Declassified : a low-key guide to the high-strung world of classical music /

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Includes bibliographical references and index.Classical music isn't a thing : a very biased overview of 1,400 years of music -- Talent isn't a thing, either : okay, fine, so it's a thing, but it's less of a thing than you think -- Classical music is for snobs : but it's also for you -- Conductors are assholes : and other popular archetypes of the classical music industry -- Million-dollar baby grands (and violins) : the literal price of excellence -- Welcome to the jailyard : the truth about competition in classical music -- It's easy to get lost : navigating a composition- and a career in classical music -- Sometimes there are curses : Beethoven's hair, Mozart's Requiem, and other superstitions of the classical universe -- They're not all symphonies : all the pretty (kinds of) pieces -- Romantic in the candle-lined-hot-tub sense of the word : famous (and not so famous) love stories of classical music -- Here comes the bride : the I dos and I don'ts of wedding and event music -- How to be a listener : how to hear (and truly appreciate) classical music -- One more viola joke."In Declassified, Warsaw-Fan Rauch blows through the cobwebs of elitism and exclusion and invites everyone to love and hate this music as much as she does. She offers a backstage tour of the industry and equips you for every listening scenario, covering: the 7 main compositional periods (even the soul-crushingly depressing Medieval period), a breakdown of the instruments and their associated personality types (apologies to violists and conductors), what it's like to be a musician at the highest level (it's hard), how to steal a Stradivarius (and make no money in the process), and when to clap during a live performance (also: when not to). Declassified cheekily demystifies the world of High Art while making the case that classical music matters, perhaps now more than ever"--